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After thinking and rethinking about the blog I am about to write…..I finally decided to share something that happen to me years ago. This is for me to say what happen and maybe just maybe help someone else along the way. (To be warn, this does contain very graphic details.)

It was the summer of 1998. I just started a new job in a factory making paper plates. The hours were long and the work was hard. For most of the time I was on second shift. My best friend (I call her Stacy)at the time was working at another factory on the second shift also. After work she would call me. We chatted for an hour or so. Neither one of us was ready to settle in for the night. Both needed to destress from our day. About a month or so after she started working she mention this guy “Alex.” Stacy told me that they hit if off right away.

About a week or so Stacy mention to me about a BBQ Alex was having. Wanted to know if I wanted to go with her. I was going back in forth about it because I was on third. She talked me into going. Saying she wanted someone that she knew there. The party started around 1 in the afternoon. That would be plenty of time for me. I didn’t have to be in work till 10:30 that night. Stacy told me Alex had a roomate whom was single. Said hey you never know you two may hit it off.

When we arrived there was quite a few people. Family’s with their kids. At first I was really uneasy. I did not know anyone. But after a few hours I started to warm up to some of the people. Including Alex’s roommate. “Tom” and I actually hit it off right off too. We joked around both having a really good time. Played some horseshoes, talked.

They had a couple of kegs of beer along with some other stuff that people had brought. I never been a beer drinker though some reason that day I said what the heck and I started to have some. As the afternoon went on some of the people headed home. Some just showed up. Another guy name “Todd” showed up. Him Tom and I talked, drank just having a good time. There was some things that were said about me drinking and how crazy I can get. Stacy was saying this. I didn’t disagree. At that time I didn’t realize saying some of the things didn’t help what happen later that night.

By 6 that evening I was feeling pretty good. I didn’t have too much to drink but it was enough to give me a buzz. As the night progressed it started to change. People were leaving. By that time it was only me, Stacy, Tom, Alex, and Todd. We headed down about a 100 yards or so away from the house. We sat by the fire pit talking joking around. By then Tom and I were flirting back in forth. I was feeling really good. I was still drinking beer. No one thought about bring the keg down at first, so the guys were going up getting me more. They were controlling my drinks.

After about an hour they finally brought the keg down. I hardly saw Stacy or Alex. They were in the house doing there “own thing.” There was another guy that was hanging around. Lived right around the corner from them. By 9 it was only us 4. Then it took a dramatic change. Todd told the other guy to leave. He was confused. Todd said again that he really needed to leave. He is like well can I have the keg. Tom said to take it. Then he left. (Another key thing….I ended up having a couple of shots of tequila sometime during the night too.)

I was sitting on the ground close to the fire pit. Tom had come up behind me and started to rub my back. I said wow that feels really good. The next thing I know it he grabbed my arms and held them back. By then I was drunk. I looked up and there is Todd standing in front of me with his cock in his hands. I am trying to fight off Tom but I was so drunk I did not have the strength. Tom comes up to me shoves his cock in my mouth. I am thrashing around, trying to break free. Crying my eyes out. Trying to scream. But there was no one around. Stacy was in the house. That was over 100 yards away. Tom let go I tried to move but Todd was quick he grabbed me and took my arms behind my back. It was Toms turn.

I do not recall every detail. It is burried deep in my memory. I do not know what happen to make them stop for a bit. I was pleading with them to let me go. I was asking them again and again why were they doing this. I got oh you want it. You were flirting and leading us on. You asked for it. In no way did I. Took me many years to figure that out.

I manage to plea with them to let me go to the bathroom. I “promised” to be back. I took off to the house. How I manage to get in I don’t know. I found my way to the bathroom. I am thinking what do I do? I had no cell phone. I had no clue where Stacy was in the house. I was in no shape to go searching for her. I trying to figure out what to do. I was running out of time.

I left the bathroom made it back to the kitchen and then Todd and Tom walked in. I started to plea with them again. Todd ignore my pleas and picked me up and slammed me down on the kitchen table. My head slammed off from it. For a minute I was too stunned to do anything. He had my pants and underwear down to my ankles. I tried to scream and he held my mouth shut. Tom went around to the other side to hold me down. Just as Todd started to come to me, Stacy comes up from the basement. The guys jumped back. I am struggling to pull myself together. Stacy is too stunned to say anything. I go I am leaving. She is like you are no condition to drive. Tom goes stay here. I said no way in hell. You just tried to rape me. Stacy goes what. I head out the door running. By then Alex comes up and is totally lost. I am screaming at the guys, yelling at Stacy.

I jump in my car, Todd and Tom come running up pleading with me to stay. I am bawling my eyes out. Stacy is just standing there. I go you either get in or I am leaving with out you. I don’t care. She got in. I have no clue how I drove about a mile or so down the road then Stacy took over. We got another mile or so down the road and I am screaming at her to pull over. I threw up every wheres.

Finally we got back to my place. She stayed with me. I could not stop crying and shaking. I never called the cops. I was too afraid. I was 20 at the time and drunk. I was so afraid that nothing would happen to the two guys. I was afraid I would be blamed for it all.

Stacy stayed with me for about a week. It was difficult cause she worked with Alex. And she was still seeing him. I knew he did not have anything to do with it but I was not happy that she was over there all the time. It affected our relationship big time. After that things were never the same.

I did seek out help. I went to the Rape and Crisis center. First time I only went a couple of times. It took me over a year to go back and say what happen. I had nightmares for two years. I never looked at anyone the same. That year after I hardly ate, went out. I could not go to a bar. The smell of beer made me sick and have flashbacks. It has been almost 12 years since that has happen to me.

The counselor at the center believe I was also drugged. Due to the two guys were controlling my drinks. Though I will never know. Do I think back and wonder what would have happen if I did press charges? Every day.

I hope this helps someone else. It is not your fault. And not matter what the circumstances are….no means no! Here is a poem that I wrote years ago.

1998

I try so hard to show that I am strong; yet inside I am falling apart. I go on with a smile on my face to show the world I am fine. Trying to hide the hurt and anger that I feel so deep inside. I want to scream out it isn’t fair, THEY took everything from me. Trust I once had is now lost. I feel like I am on the outside looking in. A part of me is denying that this ever happen. Yet I am constantly reminded by the nightmares and the sleepless nights. THEY will never understand, my life has changed completely. I want to scream out and tell the world that no matter what NO MEANS NO!!

That is the motto from my Physical Therapy therapist. Thinks if I don’t walk out in pain they did not do their job.

SERIOUSLY, why do you need to be such a drill Sargent? You bedside manners suck. And you REALLY need to listen to your patient. Do not shrug them off. And think that they don’t know any better. When I say that I am in pain, I AM IN PAIN!!!!!!!! Not that little aching pain. SEVERE PAIN! Oh no you did not listen to me when I told you the last time I was there I was hurting when I left. Said to you hey, I really think the ice IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!!!!! So what do you say we are going to try it again. Can’t use heat cause that is going to inflame your back.

So the last 15 minutes I have the wires on my back to give me shock waves. (Do not know the actual name for the machine…) And laying on an ice pack. After it was said and done, I COULD NOT MOVE! My back locked up so bad I screamed out in pain. The slightest movement sent me over the edge. For me to actually cry like that in public says something. It took them a good 20 minutes to get me into a standing position. Also had someone walk down with me to get my daughter out of the daycare and walk us to my car. HMMMMMMM………….

And not I am still in a lot of pain. I was supposed to go in Friday. Cancelled that and will try to pool. If you listen to me in the first place…you know sometimes the patient knows what they are talking about. I know that this is your job. BUT YOU NEED TO LISTEN.

I am fighting with my insurance, and PT. Saying you are making this worse. But stupid insurance says I have to do this. Again I will say this. WHAT MAKES YOU GOD? WHAT MAKES YOU DECIDE TO PLAY WITH SOMEONES HEALTH!!!!!

Last Wednesday I went to get my daughter out of her crib from her nap. As I went to pick her up my back went out. It felt like a pop and then a burning sensation in my lower spine. I just about dropped my daughter back in her crib. I manage to pick her back up and brought her out into the living room. I could not bend down to put her onto the couch. The pain in my back was beyond painful. I am trying to hold it together so I would not scare her. I needed to get her lunch and contact my husband to come home. Moving around was difficult. I have no one around and no one else to call…..

My daughter wanted to be held, and I am trying to calm her. She doesn’t understand why mommy can’t pick her up. I finally get her lunch together and went to pick her up. The pain was so bad that I let out this huge scream. I started crying, she started to cry. I barely managed to get her into her high chair. Well I practically dropped her in it.

My husband comes home about an hour or so after I call. Off the the ER we go. I can barely walk let alone sit down. I got pushed through the fast track. I was in and out in 15 minutes. Asked a few questions, touched my lower back, gave me some pain pills, (the pain pills is another blog all together….and they wonder why people have a problem with them when they hand them out like candy.) and sent me on my way. And gave me another doctor to see.

I called to make an apt with the spinal specialist. I would have to wait two days to see him. Thankfully my husband took time off to help out. When I saw the specialist he was not thrilled with the ER. They did not do any x-rays, or even give me an inflammatory. The specialist did the x-rays right at the office. And nothing showed up. So he put me on a cortisone pill, along with saying lets do an MRI.

Now this starts the battle with my insurance. I made an apt for today to do an MRI. And I would be returning to the specialist on Friday. I got a call yesterday from the doctors office saying my insurance denied me the MRI. I need to do PT before they even consider the MRI. Ummmmm……what gives you the right to make a decision like that? I am beside myself. Not like I haven’t gone through this bullshit before. 5 years ago my back went out. Went through the same thing. Though is was a different insurance company. Did the PT, so on and so forth. Comes to fine out the PT made it worse and finally I get to see a specialist to order the MRI. Turns out I had 3 bulged disc. I ended up having the cortisone shots in my back. And it worked. I did not start having problems with my back till after I gave birth.

The doctors office has been battling with them for two days. My turn to try. I am not sure what luck I will have..but I have to do something. I know my body, and it is not a pulled muscle. My lower spine is pinching and of fire. I know part of the reason is because we had meant our deductable. They will have to foot the bill. I realize that there are people who abused the system..but I am not one of them. I do not understand why they have a right to say what I can and cannot do.

They are going have to pay for the PT and then turn around and still pay for the MRI. The PT can make my back worse. PT is not the answer for everything. They are not doctors….how can the decide?????????????

I have been working on my website for quite sometime now. I would like to share it with everyone else. There is still lots to be done so be sure to look at the site every now and then for new pictures. Thanks and enjoy.

http://serenitygallery.webs.com

I used to love this time of year….but every year something sets me in a spiral of depression. Some years are better than others…but doesn’t make a difference.

Around this time of year I always get in a real bad funk. I am not sure if it is a seasonal depression or what. Sounds funny I am totally aware…but it is true.

And me feeling this way is already top of the depression that I deal with everyday. It is really hard for people around me. Especially my husband. I don’t know how he deals with it at times.

It isn’t like there is one thing that has happen to set me off around this time of year. Geez there is a lot that I have gone through…but honestly I can’t put my finger on it. It is very frustrating.

Each year I think it will be different or at least better…and it is the same thing over and over…I really dread this time of year.

The other day I wrote how I threw my pride out the window and sent a card to my friend. I knew she would be getting it soon. I had started to wonder if I did the right thing. I know I said no matter what I made said what I needed to. Basically it is now in her court.

Yesterday I got a short e-mail stating that she got my card and she thanked me. It meant a lot to her. So slowly things are getting there. I know that there is a lot of hurt on both sides..but I know we are willing not just to throw away our friendship.

Just have to wait to see…..

**POOF** There it goes…..

I have written about my best friend and I for awhile. How are friendship faded away when she moved out of state. We have talked very little since she moved away. The last time we talked or e-mailed I thought we had patched things up some. But apparently not.

So now I am thinking I will take the first step and see where it goes. At first I was thinking NO WAY! Why do I always have to be the responsible one? For a while I thought screw you. I don’t even want to bother cause I am afraid of getting hurt, but as time went one I started to really miss her.

Last week I got a card saying basically everything that I wanted yet could not had said it better. Wrote a little note saying I miss her and hope this will be a start. Also sending her my daughters pictures. So, now I have to wait and see…..

I am hoping that she can set her pride aside and except my apologizes.

Ok you nature lovers, I need some help with an ongoing disagreement that I have with my in-laws and husband.

I swear that our next door neighbor has ducks….and my family said nope…it is actually a tree frog? Huh? A tree frog that disguise it voice as a duck? Sounds like a duck to me.

So if the frog is quacking..does that duck gets confuse and start to ribbet?

Ok, so correct me if I am wrong…but pulling over for an emergency vechicle (that means Fire trucks, Ambulance’s, and cops people!!) a law state to state? And if not then it should be.

Maybe it is me….but isn’t it common sense to move over if you do see one approaching you? Heck even before I learned how to drive I knew to pull over for ANY emergency vehicle. I know that there are just some circumstances that you cannot. But come one people…..

Just last weekend my family and I were coming back from doing some grocery shopping. And in the review mirror I saw an ambulance approaching. We were on a three lane road and I was already on the furthest lane. As the ambulance approached I STILL PULLED OVER TO THE SIDE!! Even though the ambulance was two lanes over. You never know! This red pick up would not pull over!!! He had plenty of time to do so. What happen next blew my mind! There were other cars approaching, none were pulling over either or slowing down. The ambulance was blaring its horn and the red truck was just slowly moving along. The ambulance just about plowed into the back.

The truck still did not pull over. The hospital was right there and the ambulance was able to turn into the lane to go into the hospital.

I have seen it time and time again people not pulling over. And something else to go along with this. If there is a cop that has someone pulled over by law you need to pull over too. Again I have seen people not doing this too. I do realize that again you may not be able too….but there is a certain speed limit you must be going. If anyone knows, feel free to post a comment!

Oh mighty telephone I have under estimated you.

Today was the day….

You rang……and my heart jumped a beat…

Oh this could be it I said out loud….

Please bring me some good news I have been

waiting for!!!

Months on end you just teased me and brought me

news of telemarketers.

And when I was just about to give up hope!

You brought me the news I so needed to hear!

I now finally have an interview that I have been

waiting on for a very long time!!!

I know I said some mean things..but I just have one

more request for you….

I do have some other news I am waiting for…

Please bring me some more good news!!

I need to know that everything is ok and

my heart is just ticking fine!!! Please please….

I promise I will use you more and start to

neglect my cell phone and Internet!!