Some of these go back when I was in Highschool. It has been awhile since I have written new ones.
12/3/1993
Pain fills my heart as I think about my past. Will I forgive myself? Will they forgive me?
Will I stop blaming myself for the things I never done? Will I learn to get on with my
Life and not look back on the past I can not change. Never in my life have I felt so much
Pain like I do now.
1993 What A Friend Means To Me
There is so much I want to tell you, but never knowing where to start.
You’ve always been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on.
You were there for me when everyone else had walked away. I can
Always count on you to make me laugh or to put a smile on face when
Those are the exact things which are needed. There are things I could
Not tell anyone else but knowing I can count on you because my secrets
Go no farther than you. You’re always there for me. Which makes me
Realize that you’re a true friend that means everything to me.
5/31/1994
There are things that are unclear. How things can never turn out the way you wanted them to. Believe me when I say these things. I should have known how you felt but for some reason I didn’t want to believe it. You were so hurt and confused about your life I wouldn’t blame you for not trusting me. I know what it is like to be forgotten but believe me you weren’t. I can help you. I will never let you down. I care too much to let you go.
I know how frustrating it can be and sometimes you want to give up. But you have so much more to look forward to. It won’t always be this endless hurting. All your life people judge you, they never saw the real you like I have. How you can brighten up my day by just seeing your smile. How I can see past this toughness and see your true colors that no one else seems to find. You can try to impress people by putting on an act but I am not that foolish. I know you are like any other human being, you hurt also. They never realize that “the perfect one” can have problems. I just refuse to see you give up. Time and time again I beg you to see you’re a great person and how wonderful you can be. You do belong here never doubt that. To hear you say that tears me up inside. No matter what ever happens how big or little you problems may be I am always here for you.
7/12/1994
You say I will never understand, but how can you say that? You won’t let me get close to your heart. You keep on pushing me away. I’ve tried giving you time but the more time I gave the further you got. You won’t give me a chance to prove I will always be your friend. What do I have to do to make you realize I will never give up? You should know now you can trust me. People think you are so perfect, they don’t realize that you may have problems. After all that has happen I’m still by your side. When you thought it made no sense to explain; the only thing I kept hearing is you’ll never understand. Time and time again, but nothing reveals the answers. The truth is you’re looking in the wrong place. Drugs will never help; it will only make it worse. Want the truth; look deep inside your heart. You are the only one who can actually help. I am here to support you, but you have to believe in yourself. You have to understand what happen to your father wasn’t your fault. You can’t go back and change the years. There is a sad look in your eyes, I wish I could erase the pain you’re carrying around in your heart. Somehow you stopped believing somehow we’ve came to this. What took so long to build, took a moment to slip away. It is like we just meant. How did things get so out of hand?
1994
You never realized that I would find out about your hideous game? How you cut me up like a knife and left me so I could die. How I feel you will never know. All this pain I have is because of you. How am I supposed to go on? You act like nothing has happen; but how can you deny it? I am blaming myself for all of this. No, you will never understand the tears I cry just thinking about your hideous game.
1994
I know you have so many secrets, and you think there’s no one who can help you; because you’re in too deep and there is no way out. You don’t want to keep the hurt anymore. How it breaks my heart to see the tears you cry falling like rain. The beautiful smile that hides out all the pain. I know you’re hurting, but what else can I do? So tormented and torn apart. I would give you the world just to see you alright. Dry your eyes don’t be afraid; step into another place where dreams come true and hearts embrace. When life seems so low, you know you can call night or day, I’ll be here for you. You know forever and a day my heart will always stay, because I believe in you no matter what they say.
1998
I quickly look at you hoping, longing for you to look at me with those intense eyes. I noticed you looking at my yet in a flash I quickly look away. We pass each other and sometimes are eyes lock; you smile and I smile back. I wonder if you know what I am truly feeling.
12/28/1998
I will scream and cry till I find a voice inside. I put my foot down and yell you’ve gone too far. I will find the courage and the strength to go beyond what you wanted me to. I will find the light in the depths of my soul to seek the calmness I need to survive. This too I shall survive. I have survive many before you, you see I am a SURVIVOR!
9/24/1999
Memories that were long lost so long ago rise in the depths of my soul. My guard is a burden to me and everyone I come across. I fear to let anyone near me, torn between love and hatred. I believe now I was misguided.
2000
Fear I will only hurt you by trying to get to know you further. Fearful of being alone, so I would be the first to run. Sounds crazy I know although it makes perfect sense. I would not get hurt by leaving first. I move on not being attached; knowing this would be easier but would it? I’m the only hurting myself by not letting anyone near me.
2000
You came back into my life stirring up emotions once again; time and time again I swore to myself I wouldn’t allow myself to feel. I just can’t allow myself to fall for you again. Now having some time to think about it I know what I fool I was; how could you pretend everything is ok? You lied and deceived me in every way you could. We were friends so long ago. I am still anger with you; I am not going to allow you to walk all over me again. I am putting an end to this.
6/18/2001
All these feelings locked inside; not knowing what to do. I am not supposed to feel this way; though I know these feelings are real; why would my heart flutter every time I see you? Why do I ache to be near you; I hurt every time when I decide this isn’t right. Tears well up inside; not wanted to show you any emotions. Dying on the inside with these conflicted emotions, no I am not supposed to feel this way.
5/15/2009
Tired of the games,
Tired of the lies,
Do I have a sign on me
That says go ahead walk
all over me?
I give it all, You take it away
Shitty way to be a friend if
you ask me.
I open up and let you in. I stood
before you with an open door
to my soul.
You laughed at me knowing that you
had me in the palm of your hands.
I realize in the end you never wanted
to be friends it was just a sick game
you play.
With this said you know what Screw you,
You don’t even know what friendship
means. There is no reason for me to cry
you were never a friend anyways………..
4/5/2009
I stand before you with my heart on the platter,
for you are going to take just to shatter.
What I feel for you does not matter, we have
been around and around this web we spun too
many times. I swore to myself this would never
happen again but you always have a way of reeling
me in time and time again.
6/23/2001
Two people face to face, one love. Completeness fills my soul as I know it is you whom I have been waiting for. Soaring emotions; overjoyed with the love you have given me. I only hope you know how much I love you and how much you mean to me.
6/18/2001
All these feelings locked inside; not knowing what to do. I am not supposed to feel this way; though I know these feelings are real; why would my heart flutter every time I see you? Why do I ache to be near you; I hurt every time when I decide this isn’t right. Tears well up inside; not wanted to show you any emotions. Dying on the inside with these conflicted emotions, no I am not supposed to feel this way.
4/5/2000
Caught up in this endless confusion; you were here, you were real. At one time you were lying beside me. In that moment I knew I wasn’t dreaming; you said you wanted me, you needed me. I close my eyes and relive that closeness that I felt; there times where I still can feel you next to me. Then I open my eyes and the reality sinks in; the tears endlessly fall I know you were here. Feelings still lingers, yet I’m still trying to distinguish if I was dreaming or not. Heart, body and soul tell me you were here, but now you are nowhere to be found.
5/15/2000
My belief is; you meet someone for a reason, although those meetings may be brief the still leave a mark in one’s heart. I know that people come and go out of each other life; I hope that you are the one who stays.
1/28/2000 In Silence
In silence I stand unable to break free from this whirlwind you put me through. Feeling the wind whip across my face as your words thrash though my soul; with every once on energy I have I continue to stand before you. Struggling to keep afloat; you show me now mercy as you push me and pry as you will. Trying to knock me down with your unwitting looks and words. In silence I continue to fight you, though it may seem like you are winning because I do everything in silence. You aren’t going to push me away. I am stronger than you think; I will continue to fight you silently. I know I need no words knowing my actions are stronger.
11/21/1999
The pain you embedded so deep inside my soul has finally taken its toll. With the twist and turns cutting deeper and harder into me; everything that I thought existed only merely existed in my mind, oh let this dream end.
12/17/1999
Trapped in this world I choose not to be in, belittled by people who surround me. You don’t care so why should I continue to put on the exquisite show for you. Not liking myself, not wanting, not needing. So bitter to this beautiful yet fake love you showed me. I know all of this because you left me, showed me how to be this way. You showed me how to love once, oh yes it was beautiful and this I thank you. But slowly you taught me something more divesting than loving; the hurt and anguish I learned this far more easily than you showing me how to love. I know nothing but bitterness towards everyone and most of all me. I continue to walk alone not wanting anyone around. Pushing everyone away that loved me. Emotions draped aside; a mask I show the world. Loneliness swirling deeper and deeper into my soul. Grasping on to anything I can trying to pull my self back. Hidden far in the depths of my mind is happiness but I choose to be this way, only feeling numbness. Figuring it is the best way to be so I don’t have to hurt or continue to hurt anyone else. Oh why should I fool myself? Love is a distant memory. You ever loved me. Falling quickly, tears I try to hold escape, oh yes I do have feelings, amazing I know. I once was able to love but you took everything from me, my dreams, my hopes, my life. I feel everything and everyone.
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